Latest Tweets:

mydrunkkitchen:

Pretty obsessed with Mal Blum right now. 

Have you guys heard her before???

I knew of this person previously because I’m very hip! Also “Baltimore” is peak Mal Blum IMO

http://thisdanobrien.tumblr.com/post/92686110638/john-mayer-has-a-lyric-that-goes-i-wish-there-was

thisdanobrien:

John Mayer has a lyric that goes “I wish there was an over-the-counter drug for my loneliness. FOR MY LONELINESS!” I can’t stop thinking about him saying that in earnest to a therapist who is just trying to keep it together. I’m going to challenge myself to slip it into a conversation. I want to…

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The Jokes Of Yesterday, Today!

thesejokesdontcount said: i'm on my laptop and i keep clicking everything and i can't stop what have i done what have i become

huzzahbazinga:

thesejokesdontcount:

huzzahbazinga:

thesejokesdontcount:

huzzahbazinga:

It’s ok. I’m pretty sure you’re just suffering from excessive Tumbling. I’m gonna have to prescribe a small dose of @midnight episodes, but if the internet/cable TV pharmacy is out of that, you can substitute the “Honest Trailers” series on YouTube by Screen Junkies. Get back to me in 24 hours if your symptoms are still the same.

i am not subbed to Screen Junkies, as I like to let those build up and watch a bunch in one fell swoop. I guess tonight is that night hahahaha

Here’s the true test of our overlapping interests: if you had to pick one current stand-up comedian who most resembles yourself (mostly based on the similarity of your laughs, but also subject matter/viewpoint), who would it be? I have an answer in mind, and this may completely backfire, but I’m curious to find out who you choose.

OMG I’m so curious to know what your answer is! I’d say I’m a lot like either a white version of Ron Funches, or a chubby version of Rory Scovel hahaha. But those guys are way funnier than me.

Secret option C: Vulgar Pete Holmes?

Hahahaha I was definitely thinking Vulgar Pete Holmes! The laugh is just too similar for me to make the connection. But from what I’ve seen of Ron Funches on @midnight, you could totally make a case for being a White Ron Funches. I’ll have to check out some of his stuff.

Also, if you haven’t checked out Pete Holmes’ podcast, definitely worth it.

Hahaha once I complete Operation: Try Not To Be So Fat All The Time we might look more alike. I used to listen to every episode of his podcast, but he gets repetitive so now I just listen when I think the guest is rad. DEFINITELY seek out Ron Funches, the only reason he isn’t mainstream is because he is not traditionally attractive. And Rory Scovel is really experimental, but his album Dilation is one of my favorite of all time.

*7

The Jokes Of Yesterday, Today!

thesejokesdontcount said: i'm on my laptop and i keep clicking everything and i can't stop what have i done what have i become

huzzahbazinga:

thesejokesdontcount:

huzzahbazinga:

It’s ok. I’m pretty sure you’re just suffering from excessive Tumbling. I’m gonna have to prescribe a small dose of @midnight episodes, but if the internet/cable TV pharmacy is out of that, you can substitute the “Honest Trailers” series on YouTube by Screen Junkies. Get back to me in 24 hours if your symptoms are still the same.

i am not subbed to Screen Junkies, as I like to let those build up and watch a bunch in one fell swoop. I guess tonight is that night hahahaha

Here’s the true test of our overlapping interests: if you had to pick one current stand-up comedian who most resembles yourself (mostly based on the similarity of your laughs, but also subject matter/viewpoint), who would it be? I have an answer in mind, and this may completely backfire, but I’m curious to find out who you choose.

OMG I’m so curious to know what your answer is! I’d say I’m a lot like either a white version of Ron Funches, or a chubby version of Rory Scovel hahaha. But those guys are way funnier than me.

Secret option C: Vulgar Pete Holmes?

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i know i’m late to this whole iggy azalea thing but she’s basically just fergie right?

I tried to read Todd Akin’s new book but my body kept shutting down.

*1

The ocean’s dying. The plankton’s dying. It’s people. TACO BELL’S NEW DR PEPPER VANILLA FLOAT FREEZE is made out of people! They’re making our TACO BELL’S NEW DR PEPPER VANILLA FLOAT FREEZE out of people! Next thing they’ll be breeding us like cattle for our TACO BELL’S NEW DR PEPPER VANILLA FLOAT FREEZE. You’ve gotta tell them. You’ve gotta tell them!

Everyone’s all like “Ooh DOTA” and I’m just sitting here waiting for Falco to be announced for the new smash bros game

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America is the best cuz capitolizm and hotdogs and cuz democrazee is soooo neato oh yeah and because our cops are allowed to racistly wander the streets and occasionally just straight up murder a guy. BECOME A COP. EVERY DAY IS THE PURGE WHEN YOURE A COP.

*1

The cycle of dating:

1) talk to pretty girl

2) somehow convince pretty girl i have a nice personality

3) ask pretty girl to go to a place

4) she says yes

5) “oh goooood  now i have to go to a place why did i ask her to go to that place????”

6) go to that place. conversation between lovely and excruciating.

7) leave awkwardly, sidehug optional.

8) apologize to my bed. it is where i belong. i will wander no more. i now know my place.

9) repeat